Limit Setting: A Helpful Guide for Parents

What is Limit Setting?

You might wonder, what is limit-setting and how do I do it? Limits are set when they are needed, such as when a child presents with an unwanted behavior or challenging need. All children deserve to know that they are safe and in predictable environments. Safety and predictability encourage growth and healing for children as they develop. One way of achieving this is with limit setting. We also want to recognize that limit setting does not mean that you are passively accepting a behavior, but rather, want to communicate with your child when safety or more acceptable behaviors are needed. 

How Do I Limit Set?

There are three parts to limit-setting, also known as the ABC method. 

A- Acknowledge the feeling or need.

Starting out with an acknowledgment, as opposed to a demand, helps the child by meeting them where they’re at: their feelings. An acknowledgment as simple as “You feel angry,” or “You’re frustrated” communicates to the child that they are seen and understood. When a child feels recognized in the present moment, they may be more receptive to the limit that follows. 

B- Set the Boundary

This step allows the boundary or rule to be established. Most importantly, this helps children understand that their safety and the safety of those around them is a priority. A simple guideline for communicating a boundary or limit looks like: “A is not for B” or “X is for Y.” For example, if your child took it upon themselves to add to the wall decor with their new markers, a limit could be “The walls are not for drawing on” or “Markers are for paper.” In a more activating instance, if your child is expressing their anger physically by hitting, kicking, etc. the boundary would be a firm but neutral “I am not for hitting/kicking.” Understandably, there are difficulties in remaining neutral in such a situation, but our reactions as parents hold importance in our children’s ability to regulate themselves.

C- Give a Choice

After the feeling has been acknowledged and the limit has been set, giving your child a choice of one or two alternatives helps redirect them to a safe and acceptable avenue through which to regulate, release an emotion, or fulfill a need. It is important for the alternatives to accomplish a similar goal to the original behavior. For the previous examples, the alternatives could be “You can choose to draw on the paper or you can choose to draw on the white board. Which do you choose?” & “You can choose to hit your pillow or you can choose to kick a soccer ball. Which do you choose?”

All together: 

• You’re having a lot of fun using your new markers, but walls are not for drawing on. You can choose to draw on the paper or you can choose to draw on the white board. Which do you choose?

• You feel so angry that you want to hit/kick me, but I am not for hitting or kicking. You can choose to hit your pillow or you can choose to kick a soccer ball. Which do you choose? 

• You feel sad because you would really like to stay up later. Right now is time for bed. You can choose to hop like a bunny to the bed or you can choose to run like a cheetah to the bed. Which do you choose?

What if I need an Immediate Intervention?

     As professionals, we also understand that there are times where the need for safety will supersede acknowledging your child's feelings or needs. In these situations, an immediate intervention is necessary. For example, one might say “The wall is not for jumping over, you may walk around it instead.” In this instance, the child’s safety is prioritized although the feeling or need was not acknowledged. Circling back to the feeling or need after safety is achieved may be helpful for your child to learn how to adapt their behaviors in a safer, regulated way. There will also be times where teaching responsibility feels necessary. As a helpful tip, setting consequences that logically match the behavior from the child may be more beneficial than restricting regulating activities, such as movement or recess time. One example of a logical consequence could be limiting screen time. 

     At Alora Therapy and Wellness Center, we encourage parents and those around children to approach limit setting with empathy and clarity to maximize its effects.